Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao