Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*pokes sex life with a stick
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Kids: Stay in school.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy