Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
You Might Also Like
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.