Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever