Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My dating profile:
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks