Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

🤣

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Sing it!

Imma just leave this here…………

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.