Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

prepare for carbonated trouble

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Just me?

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Morning.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer