Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.