Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
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Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else