Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
You Might Also Like
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation