Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Battery falling down a hole
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Just grow your own
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend