Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Sorry. Not sorry

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *