Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
About to throw up
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.