Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
This forever.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”