Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

what kind of cook setting is this??

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Cardio Made Easy

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness