Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.