Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.