Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

This is my emotional support knife.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon