Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.