Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
THE DOG😭😭💀
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.