Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.