Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Candles never taste the way they smell

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two