Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Okey dokey.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.