Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch