just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
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“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*