Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

🤣could you imagine

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.