Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.