Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
You Might Also Like
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year