Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?