The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with