@wendchymes

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

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@mom_tho

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

@stephenjmolloy

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

@bydanielvictor

I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years

@lecalabara

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

@mewritesgood

I bought my nephew a drum set because:

A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister

@thedad

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

@maebemarbles

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

@fishbowel

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad