Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
それは草
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.