@wendchymes

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

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@dshack8

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

@DrakeGatsby

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

@WritePlay

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

@HatfieldAnne

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

@primawesome

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

@calamitydaisy

I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.