Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

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At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.


Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.


[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*


Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC


[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs


“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”


I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.


This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.


I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.