Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?



I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.


Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.


3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.


[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap


this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin


Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”


ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one


When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with