Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated