Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?