Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

How dude HOW?!

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.