Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

incredible google review i just found

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR