Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
wait.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?