Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Thursday Thought.