Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Good lord
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I put the I in Insufferable.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.