Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

The glory of fall.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.