Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

I love you…

…r dog.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*