Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.