Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
can’t talk my ride’s here
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.