just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
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[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER