Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

ㅤ

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!