Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.