Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires