HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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Ok but actually
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
The Joker was right
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…