Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Still my favourite meme.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious