Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Duck typos.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.