Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.