Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct