Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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I am HOWLING at this
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
