Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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gm
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
rise and shine we got egg
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.