Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Oh the world we live in…
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*