Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

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you *opening your front door to leave for work in the morning*

me *clinging to the screen door like a tree frog*:
I can’t help but notice that you didn’t you like my selfie last night


[loud knocking]


Me: Prove it.


Me: Sing “Roxanne.”


Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …


I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.


As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.


Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite


My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.