@KBChicken75

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

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@iamspacegirl

you *opening your front door to leave for work in the morning*

me *clinging to the screen door like a tree frog*:
I can’t help but notice that you didn’t you like my selfie last night

@UncleDuke1969

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

@CantWaitToNap

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@charliedelta7

I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@LifeUnPinterest

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

@fro_vo

Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite

@kevinrowe1

My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.