you *opening your front door to leave for work in the morning*
me *clinging to the screen door like a tree frog*:
I can’t help but notice that you didn’t you like my selfie last night
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”
Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”
I taught my 4yo how to spell ‘beer’ so he’ll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Hugh Jackman and Gene Hackman should trade last names.
Cap: good morning Avengers let’s begin
Iron Man: wait spider-man is missing
Open Mouth Man: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.