Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
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Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack