Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
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Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Quadruple digit IQ
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.