Just chopped 10 cords of wood before breakfast in case you ladies are looking for a he-man type of liar.
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Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My kitchen overserved me.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*