Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?