“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.