Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?