Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.