Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

I support this random dude and all his protests

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

So Hamburger help me, God

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

😂😂

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.