Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
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Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over