Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You Might Also Like
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.