just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
no refunds
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.