just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
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Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.