Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.