Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
bears
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
When someone trying to leave me
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.