Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.