Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Saturday

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

Camel dough

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.