Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!